For the Ladies

22 01 2014

Sisters, let’s get real. Menstruation with fibromyalgia fully sucks. You are not crazy & you are not dying. It will go away, but for a couple of days, woe betide anyone who comes to you with requests for your time but no cake.

Let’s dissect some of The Horror so you don’t feel like there is something terribly wrong with you. Here’s are 10 things I wish someone had told me:

1. Cramps can best be described as “times eleventybillion”.

2. You will go into flare.

3. As fibro has a vascular component, migraines are likely. Prepare accordingly: have coffee/tea/RockStar on hand.

4. Symptoms other people associate with food poisoning are just your first day.

5. Everything will make you cry, including weird stuff like a friend not returning a text within 15 minutes & tea taking more than 2 minutes to heat up in the microwave.

6. You will want sugar & other carbs. These will actually make your stomach flu-like symptoms worse, & may even increase pain. You must eat protein. However, if a gluten free Joe Joe will prevent a trial for first degree murder, go ahead & eat that bad boy. After your protein.

7. You may actually feel like you’re dying as your body seems to be shutting down. You probably aren’t. If you have shortness of breath or rapid heart beat, go see somebody, but the pain & “robot with a low battery” sensation is most likely your body rerouting resources.

8. You will not be able to string together a coherent spoken sentence & will probably be sent home from work, if you were even able to get out of bed or operate a vehicle better than a sorority girl after someone’s called out “JAEGER SHOTS!”

9. Everyone is going to seem like a jerk. Today is not the day to react to social media posts, perceived real life slights, or awkward silences. It’s probably not what you think.

10. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER TOMORROW. In a couple more days, you will feel about as normal as a fibrogal can. Don’t give into despair; this misery is not forever.

You may have other symptoms & tips I’ve not listed. If so, feel free to comment so we can comfort as many women folk as possible.





Fierce With Fibro

1 02 2012

So your neurologist has finally given you a diagnosis & your first thought is, “Great. Swell. That’s fantastic, Doc, but how do I get back to who I was?”

Because you were that bitch at the club, at the bottle table looking fly. Right? But for the past two years you’ve been dragging your raggedy ass outta bed, wondering what happened to all your “friends” & if you’ll ever be fantabulous again.

Bitch, please. You’ve got this. No, you’re not going to be at the club three nights a week until 4 AM. But you can go again. Sometimes. And in between, you’re going to have dinner with friends & show up to work looking like a lukewarm mess, right? So what’s a girl to do when repetitive motions are needed to look fantastic?

Modify.

You are not going to give up make up & hair. There will be days when it’s fine to forego, but many days you may be feeling kinda meh, but want to look pretty “Oh hell yeah!” So here’s some quickie tips for looking like you made an effort without putting your achy self into flare.

1. Take your hair type into account & get a cut that can air dry. As you can tell from my home page, I cut my own hair into a bob for reasons I am now questioning. This doesn’t air dry well at all, since I have wavy, fine hair. It does curl very quickly, but I have to use a curling iron, & sometimes that hurts. Don’t be like me.

Ponies are not always a good idea. As you already know from experience, you can get pony headache. With fibro, you will get pony headache, neckache, shouldersheer & Please Dear God Put Me In Traction Ache. If you’ve gotta do a pony, go low, or do a loose braid & fasten it at the bottom only. If you can handle a spin pin or clip on your head, that may hurt slightly less. When you’re feeling a flare coming on, though, less crap touching your scalp or pulling on your hair is better. Air dry.

2. Ok, so it’s 80 below outside (or feels like it to you, thankyoyverymuch), so you HAVE to blow dry. I learned this tip watching Anna Nicole Smith, who had lupus. You know our lupine sisters feel pain, too. She laid on her back on her bed with her head over the edge & blew dry that way. Yeah, your arms are still up, but there’s less neck strain than standing or sitting, your arms don’t go as high, & you still get a bit of lift. If you’re super sensitive, use Warm instead of Hot. Always finish on cold to set the shine.

3. Have a neutral all-over eye shade for days when you just can’t master the 3 & 4 shadow smoky eye. With my skin tone, I like to use a very pale shimmery silver or white. I also have a pale golden tawny colour. Do a wash of your whole lid when the hand-eye coordination has deserted you for some healthier bitch.

4. Speaking of eyes, some days, eyeliner is a hazard. Or a disaster, even w/out blinding yourself. I tried to do a 50s cat eye once when I was heading for a flare, & I looked like someone had punched a hooker. If you CANNOT function without smoke, get a dark shadow & gently sweep a little in the lash line. Put away the liquid liner when you have the shakes. Your eyesight is more important than your signature tick.

5. Lip gloss, not lip liner & certainly no Mac Russian Red on days when you could spasm & end up looking like the Joker.

6. To save wiggy arms, do your SPF 40 moisturizer & SPF 40 foundation together. Pour a little foundation on to the blob of moisturizer in your palm, mix, & apply. I’ve been doing that all since my last flare last week. Doing it twice just hurts too much. No, it doesn’t give full coverage, but it covers enough. If you have the energy to dot a concealer brush over bad spots, that’s enough.

7. Remember, when you’re heading into flare, all the make-up you put on will have to come off. Get some make-off wipes if you can’t scrub. I’m a huge fan of flannels (washcloths to Yanks) because they do the scrubbing for me.

8. If you have to be somewhere but cannot get up the strength to wash, dry, & style your hair, do not be afraid of dry shampoo. Oscar Blandi’s is nice & lemony. If your arms are very squiggly, though, go easy on it because you have to massage it into your roots. If you spill a lot on there, you will look like a high school kid playing an old lady role on stage. And that powdered wig look doesn’t go away unless you brush the crap out of your hair. If your arms are bad, brushing hurts. So be careful.

And here’s the reality check: if you’re going into flare, cancel your plans. You wouldn’t go clubbing with the flu, so why would you go in flare? Your friends will make do without you. Remember, when you are in flare, you are sick. It’s ok to tell people you are sick. Your body is mad at you; it will stay mad at you until you apologize to it.

I know I have a thousand other little short cuts for achy times, & will post them in future as I think of them. If you have any, please share below!