The Long War

Sometimes, the disease wins.

You did everything right. You got enough sleep, you ate clean, with plenty of fresh vegetables & lean protein. You drank a ton of water. You took your supplements. You had a hot shower & did low maintenance hair & make up.

But sometimes, the disease wins.

You drove to work. Your right shoulder wasn’t cooperating & hauling your bag was like dragging a sack full of horses in the mud. You took a client. You realized you were losing words. You were nauseous. Your stomach ached. You decided to take a walk for a couple of blocks to loosen up your tight left side; sometimes that helps.

But sometimes, the disease wins.

After nearly throwing up & knowing you will soon be too dizzy to drive, you go home. Your right leg is weak, or maybe your ankle; you’re not sure any more. Either way, you are somehow having issues applying the gas pedal. You have to try a couple of times to get it right. Luckily this is LA & therefore you’re still operating a vehicle with more finesse and awareness than everyone else on the freeway. You make it home safely.

Sometimes, the disease wins.

You are convinced there’s some kind of smell in the house. It’s very sweet. You hurt, but you take out the garbage anyway because you don’t want to throw up. You come back to the house & it’s still sweet. It’s probably in your head. You question your sanity, the will of God, whether or not you really got a gluten free wafer at Mass on Sunday, & if you should eat ever again.

You then remember that you felt like this before, & you got better. Your faith is restored. Maybe the smell is gone. Maybe you should eat, but not right now.

Sometimes the disease wins. Fibromyalgia is tidal. It advances & retreats. Sometimes it floods your house. But it is a long war, & it’s worth fighting.

You consider doing some more edits on your fibromyalgia book. The thought of lifting the lap top sends you into a near panic.

Sometimes, the disease wins.