29 05 2012

Sometimes you are actually sick with a sick-making thing, like the flu. Or Lyme Disease. Or mesothelioma. I just wanted to say “mesothelioma”. Once you’ve ruled all that out, yes, Virginia, you’re in flare.

It started in the grocery store on the way home from a long holiday shift at work. I was fine, just trucking along all day, & then somewhere between corn tortilla selection & being confused by non-dairy ice cream treats, I realized I was off. Like ya do.

By the time I had pulled into our little subterraneanish garage, I knew I could no longer drive. I might as well have swallowed a bottle of Benedryl.

Thoughts go through your head. “Do I have the flu? Is this some weird supermarket virus? Am I Patient 0? OMG did that creepy bag boy drug me?!” And then you’re like, “Dude, don’t be stupid. You have fibromyalgia.”

Long story shortened, I was in bed by 8:35, which is weird for me, asleep by 9:05 (super weirder) and awake at 5 AM (Mayan prophecy time). I also felt…huh…sunburned.

I checked my back in the mirror, as I could clearly see my arms & trunk were not burned. No, no redness, no rash, no dryness. Just my usual silky smooth apocalyptic paleness. I took a shower & this eased the pain a bit. The moment I was dry, it came back hard. It continued throughout the work day. I kept checking to see if redness had developed. Nope; I was and remain white as a Radiohead fan.

I did notice during the day that my right arm was sore & not really working. My neck was also kinda screwy. But I didn’t have my usual muscle pain that comes with flare.

Oh, I also got lost on the way to work. I’ve driven the same route for over two years, but I pretty much know I’m in flare when I see landmarks I’ve known for ages and they seem horrific and foreign to me. I still got there on time despite being convinced I missed a turn.

I didn’t really overdo it at the grocery store, & my “long workday” was just two hours more. I don’t think that caused the flare. I have had a lot of stress lately. I’ve returned almost full time to my old job & taken up listening to people’s problems again, which is no biggie except that everyone else got used to me having more time for them for nearly a month & I receive constant complaints about one thing or another from friends & associates. I’m also watching people around me go kinda weird, which would be worrying if I worried. No matter how calmly I handle it, though, my body finds a way to process it. And today, it burns.

This is a transition period & not all of it is bad. Some of it is in fact phenomenally good. Some of it is a damn relief. My brain, though? My brain is all “Like, we’ve been talking, Nerves & me, & we, like, literally cannot handle what you’re putting us through right now. K? For serious.” My faith in God is strong & I don’t get carried away with other folks’ drama. I evaluate each piece of info I encounter, check it against reality, and not one of them has caused me to panic.

My body, however, is overloaded by other people’s reactions to me not reacting.

I think it’s getting better maybe.